God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
who will stop them
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.