God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go