Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Flowers bee like
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.