Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
The first matador
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief