Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle