*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
He wanted to make sure😂
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?