*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’