[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
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.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55