When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You Might Also Like
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?