*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
😏😏😏
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time