We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.