*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me trying to look natural in photos
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?