*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Spider-cat: No One Home
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.