At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies