*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
鈥渢urn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we鈥檒l be dining at the gas station.
I didn鈥檛 really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
In my DMs there are people saying I鈥檓 a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I鈥檓 thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I鈥檓 a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can鈥檛 tell but I鈥檓 mad
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
when my bf tells me i鈥檓 cute but i鈥檝e just woken up and i鈥檓 grumpy
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”