*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄