A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Watson was Holmes schooled
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.