[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
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“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor