*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
i choose….tongue
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.