*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
You Might Also Like
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)