*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco