*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.