*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
How high do the levels go?
good let them take over I have had enough
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.