*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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*puts words between two asterisks*
they really do be looking like this
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.