*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.