*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“How’s your day going?”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m not stressed
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret