[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread