*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average