Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You Might Also Like
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.