Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
How I’d get arrested…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee