Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Spotted in New Orleans.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*