Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do