Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.