going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph