Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
You Might Also Like
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Raisins are grape jerky.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself