Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m already scared
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.