Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
new career option?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out