[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.