A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
$3 #books
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I ate everything, including the H.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
😏😏😏
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…