Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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I bet
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
December birthdays be like…
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
😏😏😏
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
sensitive skin
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised