Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
i really liked this one
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them