Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.