Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea