GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them