Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.