gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
When I said I liked it rough.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.