Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?