gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: