I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.