Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Weighing up my bread heating options
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
they split up moments later