This could be us, but you weedin’.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
is nasa ok
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”