The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
#oldknees
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider