@SteveSuckington: Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat
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@DiscoCanadian: [I emerge from the bushes covered in blood] Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?
@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
@Kaladas4U2NV: I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
@AaronFullerton: Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."