saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Was it something I said?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
work smarter, not harder
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*